“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much so as to be understood” – George Orwell, 1984

We may have defined love and its significance last month, but does that guarantee us success in expressing it towards others?

In 1992, a marriage counselor and Baptist minister, Gary Chapman, introduced a theory that would become one of the most commonly discussed ideas in modern relationship psychology. In his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Chapman proposed that people have preferred ways of expressing and interpreting love. He had arrived at this theory through years of counseling work with couples, who felt unloved because they failed to recognize each other’s efforts as genuine affection.

Because when love stops feeling like love, the problem may not be in its absence or the degree of care, but in the quiet presence of an emotional language barrier.

Words of Affirmation

How often do you praise your partner for their everyday wins? How often do you compliment your friends for their positive traits or self-expression? How often do you say “I love you” to the ones you care for and why?

These are all necessary questions for understanding whether your love language is words of affirmation; the one that focuses on communicating affection through spoken or written praise, appreciation, and encouragement. If you or the one you love fall in this category, then lacking verbal appreciation and receiving mean or careless forms of criticism can be immensely hurtful. Words carry deeper weight for people who speak this love language, therefore they must be chosen carefully.

Some noteworthy ways of expressing words of affirmation may be writing love letters to your partner, highlighting the details of their beauty, or sending them lyrics of songs that remind you of the relationship. The great thing about words is that… they’re completely free! So, implementing and staying consistent with this form of communication is definitely not one that can be excused with a lack of money… which brings us to our next love language!

Gift-giving

This is a language that can be misunderstood as materialism easily and consequently, be excused with financial scarcity. Although this can be true in certain situations, the key behind giving gifts is putting in the thought and effort for making this person feel loved and cared for, not spending thousands on a grand gesture surprise.

Most importantly, there can be a great difference between an actual gift and a commodity. The best practice is to handcraft gifts for your loved ones, spending time and energy into ensuring that each aspect of it fits their preferences and needs. Here, the level of talent or skill one has in arts and crafts is pointless because as Van Gogh famously said, “What is done with love is done well”.

Quality Time

Perhaps, the most precious gift of all is time.

Time can’t be bought or borrowed. It passes without asking and no matter what one does, it can’t be returned. Time is limited for all of us and we may run out of it at any given point, without any warnings or exceptions. Therefore, how and with whom one decides to spend their time, matters.

According to palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware, who documents the experiences of her dying patients, one of the most common regrets for people was wishing they had not worked so hard all their lives, and stayed in touch with the people they loved more, instead. Nowadays, with the rising pressure for professional success and self-development, many of us may fall victim to work-life imbalance, spending an unreasonable amount of time in our offices, rather than hanging out with friends or family members. More importantly, with social media and mindless scrolling, the time we do have around our loved ones may easily be wasted with being glued to the screens rather than being present with each other’s company. When someone appreciates quality time, they don’t just expect going to the cinema, a nice restaurant, or a park to “complete” the activity together. They expect full – mindful, emotionally attuned, and attentive – presence that prioritizes conversation, laughter, and acceptance more than anything. For that reason, going on your phone during dinner, rushing through activities too much, or even canceling because of other, more “important” work-related tasks, can feel like a betrayal.

And much like the previous love language, spending quality time doesn’t have to be expensive at all. Studies on long-term couples show that even the simple act of leaving gadgets outside of the bedroom while reading or watching a show together can make a significant difference in the quality of care one feels in a relationship.

Physical Touch

“This one is obvious” you might think “Kissing, holding hands, sex – what is more to physical touch than that?” but people who prefer this love language over others have a different perception. To them, physical touch may not be public displays of affection or sexual pleasure at all.

It can be playing with someone’s hair as they rest their head on your lap after a long day at work. It can be offering a massage when you can tell they’re stressed or tense. It can be holding their back gently while crossing the street to help them feel safer.

And if none of these seem to apply to you because you don’t have a romantic partner, hug! Hug your friends when you greet them or say goodbye, but not in a superficial, “let me gently glide my shoulder over yours” type of way. Actually, hug with strength, meaning, and emotion. Let yourself become part of the person you love and transcend the energy you have inside you, into them.

Acts of Service

Last but not least, we have a language that out of all the people in the world, mothers, eldest daughters, and medical caregivers prefer the most.

Those with heavy workloads or stressful lives may value actions over words and even time spent together. Having your loved ones notice when you might need a coffee, a home cooked dinner, a car wash, or helping hand in completing a project without having to ask them first, can mean the world for such people.

And once again like other languages, no need to excuse yourself with what you might lack for not expressing your love this way. It is true that no one can read minds or predict other people’s needs, but that should not be restraining you from taking the initiative to perform caring actions for those you love on your own.

The next time your partner has a stressful week at work, maybe wake up earlier and pack lunch for them. If it’s your friend that’s overwhelmed with their tasks, treat them to their favorite dessert or coffee as a surprise. If someone you care about is sick, even if you don’t live with them, show up to their house with a home cooked meal or some vitamin packs, and I guarantee you, they will feel loved.

The importance or grandiosity of what you’re doing doesn’t matter here. At its core, it is reliability, proactivity, and attention to detail that makes the person feel seen and cared for.

So, translate but don’t over-complicate

As Gary Chapman points out in his book, love languages don’t work the same way regular languages do.

We may not speak them the same way we hear them. In other words, our preferred ways of expressing and receiving love may be completely different, which indeed makes the act of loving and caring a bit more difficult for all of us. However, this doesn’t take away the true simplicity of loving.

When love is conscious, strong, and courageous, it can overcome the barriers of any language, differences in upbringings, or childhood, sometimes slowly but with continuous effort, surely.